Do you still?
by beatleing
Summary: This is going to be polemic and painful. A story about Demelza and Hugh, and Ross of course. An alternative road after the end of S3 with possible spoilers from S3, S4 and the books.
1. Chapter 1

_The thing is that I love Hugh Armitage, I loved him in the books and I'm already in love with him in the series. But that doesn't mean that I'm not a Romelza fan above all things, because that's Poldark, Ross and Demelza and their love raising above everything and despite everything and everyone. And I don't like to hate characters, they're fictional! and they're are here to make us feels things, get angry, in love and everything in between... So I'll give it a go with Hugh, it's my first story with him and I hope you like it. Nothing is mine, everything belongs to WG and DH._

 **Do you still?**

Isabella was born in the master bedroom of Tregothnan House in an early summer morning. Her father strolled up and down the hallway anxiously waiting to hear the cry of the child, Demelza's moanings were no longer audible. He was looking out the window when the door suddenly opened behind his back and he turned to see the midwife beckoning him to come inside the room. He had never been more anxious in his entire life, not even in that terrifying prison in France when the jailers bet on the life of the prisoners and any moment could be the last.

Secure steps guided him through the door, his mind racing looking for suitable words to recite to the new mother in this significant time, but words failed him when he saw her, radiant, glowing full with life under the white linen sheets, her cheeks a shade of pink he never witnessed in her before, her eyes wet with tears of emotion looked down to the child cradled in her arms. He felt like a stranger bursting into a bubble of love made by those two women, mother and daughter, he loved them both.

His reverie was interrupted by Demelza's voice, a whisper that he heard far away in his mind,

 _'Hugh... Hugh. Are you in here?'_ She said smiling at him, and he was brought back to the earth, standing in that room in front of the woman of his dreams. _'Do you want to know Bella?'_

He didn't answer but approached slowly towards the bed and stood next to them near one of the post of the canopy, Demelza pat her hand over the edge of the mattress motioning for him to sit next to her.

 _'A mother's face with eyes so bright,'_ Hugh begun, _'you'll entertain from day till night, with selfless love she'll always be, it is a special bond share by thee.'_

 _'Thank you Hugh'_ , she said covering his hand with hers. She could see he was so nervous, had been like these since her contractions started the night before. He'd been quiet and unsure and distant, so different to Ross when they welcomed their children, barely able to contain himself from running up the stairs to meet his blood. But Ross wasn't here.

Demelza had left him one afternoon many months ago after a terrible argument in which things had been said from both parts that couldn't be unsaid or overlooked. Tired, she was so tired of him ignoring her, but most importantly tired of him running after Elizabeth once again and not having the decency to at least tell the truth to her face. So after he went to the mine she took the children and left. She sent Prudie to fetch Sam to help her knowing that Ross would go first to look for her in Drake's cottage, but if he looked for her or not she didn't know in those first days of confusion. She endured Sam preachings about sin and his prays for her, he practically screamed to heavens asking for her salvation, because she had now truly gone astray from the way of the Lord, she thought of coming back, she thought he would go back for her, but neither of them did. A couple of days later she received a note from Hugh.

She hadn't seen him since that day on the beach and she hadn't thought of him either. He'd written to her a couple of times since then and both times she replied that she couldn't longer see him. But Hugh Armitage didn't give up, that she learnt of him, he was like the sea, wave after wave relentlessly, he had move the sand under her feet once and she would let the tide carry her once more.

He convinced her to stay with him until things were resolved but resolution never came and she overstayed her welcome. Unlike her last birth, there were two midwifes assisting her this time, they were efficient and professionals, the doctor, Hugh had told her, was warned to be ready in case of any setback and the kids, Jeremy and Clowance were playing with the nanny Lady Boscawen had hired.

 _'This is Isabella'_ , Demelza said moving the baby from one of her arms to the other so that Hugh could see her better. _'She's beautiful like her mother'_ he told her resting his palm in the baby's little head. She was so tiny and looked so fragile, he didn't want to even breathe when Demelza put her in his arms for fear of breaking her, Demelza still held her head when he was having her until he realized he must do that himself. He looked at her daughter and a laugh became a chuckle in his throat, tears sprung into his eyes and he saw that Demelza was crying too.

 _'Are you alright my dearest?'_ And he dared to hold the baby with only one hand and held the palm of the other against Demelza´s cheek. She nodded, but kept weeping a moment longer before taking a deep breath and kissing his palm and smile again.

 _'Everything will be well. You, the children and little Isabella. She's a Boscawen and nothing will be denied to her... I'll teach her how to write and read, and to play piano, you can teach her to sing!'_

Demelza was laughing again. That she loved about him, his ability to make her laugh. _'I need to feed her "music teacher" if you may...'_ She teased him. He put the child back in her mother's arms and leaned in to give Demelza a gentle kiss in her forehead.

 _'Do you want me to call a nurse to come and help you?'_

 _'No, I'll be fine. I've done this before.'_

 _'Of course.'_ He said and turned around to leave the room but Demelza called him before he reached the door.

 _'Sweetheart... thank you.'_ She fully smiled to him, one of those rare smiles that lightened her entire face and made her eyes shone brighter than any star in the sky. How fool he was, how could he let her go like that... But it didn't matter to him, even when she was broken during those first weeks, when she waited for him to come and fetch her and the despair when she realized he wouldn't come he stood there beside her, a rock for her to lean into and the endless nights it took him to convinced her that she should stay with him, that he would take any crumb of love she could give him, that just being in her presence was more than he could ever dream of, that if he had her trust she would make his soul the happiest among the living.

So she had stayed, and she trusted him, and little by little she had begun to love him and now she had given him a daughter, and it was beyond anything he could ever ask for.

* * *

 _AN: That's no the end! I will continue of course. The reason I'm postening it is to force myself to keep writing it, I don't like to leave things uncompleted so I hope to update soon._

 _Tell me what did you think a always remember to bear with me my grammar mistakes, english is not my native language._


	2. Chapter 2

After a couple of days of bad weather the sky was finally blue again, the gardens of the big house blossomed thanks to the water so the couple took advantage of the warm afternoon to take a walk. Hugh was carrying little Isabella, as he used to called her, Demelza was walking near them finally content with being able to go outside after the rain.

It was impossible to feel enclosed in the residence of Lord Falmouth. Hugh, the children and her had several rooms for their private use only, but she missed feeling useful, to have something to do. During her first days in the house, after she stopped feeling only as a guest and decided to stay she tried to do what she always did in her house. Tried to keep the rooms tidy and even tried to cook but she quickly realized that was not proper in a place like this. There were servants everywhere, if she wanted tea, if she needed a new dress, if she wanted a fan all she had to do was call for it. She felt trapped at the beginning and Hugh, sweet Hugh, he saw that of course. In all the months they'd been together he always did his best to make her feel at home, her favorites moments were when neither Lord Falmouth or Lady Boscawen were in the house and Hugh would dismiss half of the staff for a day or two and all of them would spend the entire day in the kitchen, Demelza cooking and baking and Hugh with Jeremy and Clowance near the fire playing games or singing songs, and then they would eat and Demelza would carry the sleepy children upstairs and put them to bed. After they had fallen sleep she always wanted to go down and clean the mess they made in the kitchen but Hugh would not let her so they went to the little room between their bedrooms and he would tell her poems and she would read to him holding hands and steeling kisses until it was time to go to bed.

But that was not an everyday event and she used most of the time to be with her children, to teach them and play with them outside and to walk through the beautiful gardens. The fresh air was good for all of them, for Bella and for Hugh too. He had become so attached to the baby girl, as he promised he played piano for her everyday, it was perfect way send Bella for her nap every time. Jeremy was not very musical, he prefered to play with his little soldiers or with Garrick, who he had refused to leave with Sam when they moved. So distracted was Demelza with this thoughts that she didn't realize that Hugh had stopped walking and was now standing behind her.

 _'Demelza,'_ He said, _'take Isabella.'_

Demelza ran to his side and grabbed the baby, as soon as his hands were free he bent over his waist and put his hands on his knees.

 _'What is it? Hugh?'_ She pleaded, desperation in her voice, _'What's the matter?!'_

 _'I can´t see.'_

* * *

Ross had stayed in London longer than necessary. The Parliamentary sessions had ended more than a month ago but he decided to remain in the capital to secure some agreements for the boat company. He was not the only MP left in the city during the summer, so meetings were held and decisions had been taken following his advice and others ignoring it. To his surprise he found that parliamentary life suited him well, he didn't enjoy it of course but at least it occupied his time and his mind and also kept him away from Cornwall. But it was not possible to delay the return anymore, so he would have to endure the rattle of the carriage for many hours and would have many hours for his mind to drift to the demons that waited for him at home.

Only once he'd been back in Cornwall for a fortnight after Demelza had left him, surely being always in the House while others traveled back and forth their homes gave him some sort of reputation, but the truth was that the thought of being alone in Nampara terrified him. He hated her and missed her in equal measure. That other time he'd been in that road going to a derelict home paled in comparison to this one.

The children would come, once he's settle he will send word to Drake to bring them, that was the agreement. The other time they had stay with him at home most of the time, Prudie had helped him. He knew they were alright, his brother in law sent him a letter every week telling him news and tales about them and messages Jeremy wanted to tell his papa. He missed them all and a wave of resentment burst in him once more for her and the fact she had taken them away from him. But how could she not, after what he had told her.

Ross moved uncomfortable on the hard seat remembering that terrible day almost ten months ago. Demelza was upstairs cleaning the children's bedroom when the post arrived. He didn't make much of it but an envelope caught his attention because it had nothing written on it, when he opened he found two separate letters, one was addressed to him, the other only had the letter D on it. He read the one for him first, it was from Lord Falmouth asking him to meet him urgently to talk about his prospects, he meant to leave the other one with the rest for Demelza to see it later but something about it was odd and he couldn't stop himself of reading it too…

 _Hallowed by sea and sand_ _  
_ _Beauty was in my hand._ _  
_ _In taking her I came_ _  
_ _Moth to the whitest flame,_ _  
_ _Body caressed and turned_ _  
_ _Wings of desire unburned._ _  
_ _Lips to my lips unfold_ _  
_ _Tale of our love is told._ _  
_ _Yet there can be no end,_ _  
_ _In love our lives extend,_ _  
_ _And if this day be all_ _  
_ _Proud is my heart's recall_ _  
_ _Proud is my funeral pall._

 _HA_

He read it once, and then again and then once more. He felt anger, jealousy and betray sprout from the core of his being, he called her, screamed her name, _'Demelza!'_ and went to the library. He closed the door heavily after she came in wondering what was wrong with him to yell like that.

' _What's wrong? I don't know Demelza, you tell me…'_ , he didn't hear his own voice, cramped in his hand was the letter. He saw the way he looked at her, saw the way he talked to her always leaning closer and closer towards her, almost whispering in her ear and he knew that she was moved by him, young, carefree and artistic, but this, this was not just some infatuation, this letter talked about something reciprocated, the letter talked about bodies and desire and caresses…

As only one time in his life before Ross couldn't stop himself, and if that brief moment of madness brought such a deep pain and sorrow this one could only bring destruction.

He saw in her eyes the confusion, she did not understand what was going on with him. He tried to breathe, to stop his hands from trembling, perhaps he was mistaken, maybe he was exaggerating. _'Is there something that you want to tell me?'_

' _Something about what Ross?'_ Demelza replied quietly.

' _Something about you, about us?.'_ He didn't expect her response, and did not help at all to calm him.

' _Well, since you ask Ross there is. I've been meaning to tell you but didn't know… You've been leaving me behind Ross, locking yourself in and pushing me aside, I don't know what you're thinking. These trips you made…'_

What was she saying? She was the one that have been seeing this young man behind his back. _'No, Demelza…'_

' _You were the one who asked me…'_

' _About this.'_ He put the letter above the desk and moved it in her direction. Demelza approached to him cautiously and took the envelope with both hands. He stood still while she read it and watched the color of her cheeks evaporated to white. When she finished she'd seem to stand firm and secured her ground ready for what it was to come.

' _What do you have to tell me now?'_

' _Where do you go when you go away for a week?'_ she blurted.

' _Demelza, that has nothing to do with this'_

' _I think it has… do you go to see her? Do you arrange meetings outside town so George won't find out?'_

In that moment he lost the little control that he had managed to maintain so far. The nerve of her to accused him of something he had not done. _'You know I go to Looe to see the boatyard'_

' _The boatyard that you bought without telling me? The boatyard that takes you away from home for days?'_

' _I don't need your permission to dispose of my property the way it pleases me. What is this Demelza?'_ When she looked away he knew it to be truth. His fists were crushing the desk beneath them but the rest of the room was spiraling around him. _'What do you want to know Ross?'_

' _Did you sleep with him?'_ The air seem to suffocated him in that eternal second that she took to answer. He heard the word escaped her mouth but he could not longer see her clearly.

' _Yes'_. Demelza became a spectrum of that person that was once his wife. His loyal, faithful and devoted wife. He wanted to scream, to kick the door and go to kill him. He wanted to grabbed her and plead her to tell him she was lying. But he stood still. Suddenly he heard Jeremy playing outside the window and realized Demelza was saying something to him. She was not crying, she was angry at him.

'… _it's not like you think and you running after Elizabeth while I'm supposed to seat here waiting for you, and you never care the void you leave. You don't ask if I agree with your decisions…'_

' _Get out.'_ He said whispering one time and then repeated louder when she'd seem not to hear him. _'Get out!… you know Jud was right, you're naught but a trull from Illogan.'_

He heard those words like if someone else had said them. They hung in the air around them and saw them reach Demelza like a stab. Her eyes lost their brightness, she didn't say anything to him anymore. He then came to realized that if she had any love for him at that moment it was sure that she had lost it there.

After that Demelza went to their bedroom and locked the door, not that he had followed her, he picked up his saddle bag and went to see Lord Falmouth atop of Darkie. It was the last time he had seen her. He had stayed in Truro that night, the next day to Bodmin to the Assembly when he was elected MP, when he returned home a couple of days later she was gone, and the children with her. And Garrick and Prudie. He went looking for her to Drake's cottage but she wasn't there, then to Caroline's but she'd seem oblivious of what was happening. It was Sam who told him that Armitage had come for her, he the one who endure his fists when he tried to preach him about duties and sin. It was when he suggested he should pray with him that he lost it.

She had gone. She had chosen another man. The nock of the carriage driver on the cabin woke him, _'Sawle'_ , he said. Ross Poldark was back at home.


	3. Chapter 3

Episodes, that's how Dwight had called them. They'd seem to have stopped in the last few months but in the last fortnight he had had two, the second one left him in bed for three days. Demelza remained at his side during his convalescence, her presence was so important to Hugh, everyone could see that. It was like he didn't want to waste time being ill to be with her, time in bed meant time he couldn't love her so he forced himself to feel good for her and now for his daughter too. He ignored the headaches and his sight, even when it was a little blurred, didn't disturb him much, but the incidents that had had miraculously stopped had returned.

Lady Boscawen's hope that Demelza would manage again to keep him healthy was still strong but Demelza herself wasn't so sure if this time she would make a difference. She had heard George Boscawen speaking with Dwight, the doctor was explaining that this was expected from the very beginning, that the last year had been more time than he had predicted.

The reason of course was Demelza, as soon as she was in the house Hugh's spirits had completely changed and Lady Boscawen, seeing her son so revitalized, had no choice but to agree to the mad idea that a woman married to a distinguished gentleman, mother of two children, would stay in her house as the companion of her sick son. She had only seen her once in a ball before where she had come accompanied by her husband, she was as prettier as any other young girl, maybe a bit too young for Captain Poldark, and it was pleasant to talk to her, she was vivacious and friendly, she could understand why Hugh was so taken by her and in the time they had shared so far she'd grown to like her even more, for the way she took care of her children and of Hugh but also for her friendship and strength. They had become very close very quickly in those first weeks when Hugh was ill and her son had not had another choice but to tell her the truth when he asked her if she could stay. There had been many aspects of the arrangement they had to deal with, especially regarding to the good name of their family home which would now be hosting an indecent relationship, but Mister Poldark was the one who provided the solution, with his departure to London they could say Miss Poldark was going to be her lady in waiting.

But of course the tales in the village said something else, and the story of the Boscawen bastard was too good to be kept in secret.

* * *

Nampara was in such bad shape as Ross had imagined. He hired two new servants, a married couple and he figured that they must have the same age of Jud and Prudie when his father brought them to the house, when he too was alone with a household to run, two kids to raise and no wife to help him, and he had given himself to gambling, drinking and whoring. Well, he was not such a fool to pursuit the sports again, the drinking had never stopped and the later did not appeal to him, no matter how many opportunities he may had. But even with the extra help, it would take a few days for the house to be ready for the children and he wanted to see them now.

Drake arranged Jeremy and Clowance would be brought to his house in the morning so Ross could have lunch with them and spend the afternoon. When he saw him, Jeremy run to his arms yelling _'Papa! Papa!'_ , Ross didn't remember hugging someone so hard as he did to his son. Clowance was standing on her yet two insecure chubby legs holding her uncle's hand and with one thumb in her mouth, she didn't seem too impressed by him, she looked at Drake while he was saying: _'Who be tha' Clowance? 'Tis your papa, remember him?'_. The child stretched both of her arms to her uncle for him to lift her up.

' _Good morning my princess, hello Clowance.'_ Ross said in the hope that she'd remember his usual morning salute, _'You've grown up so much young lady, I'm afraid I won't have the strength to carry you, you want to try?'_

Ross extended his hands towards Clowance and after a moment of hesitation and doubt and a little reassuring nod from Drake she reached into her papa. Ross kissed her forehead and her cheeks and asked for kisses in return to give himself some time for the tears that had threatened to spill from his eyes to go away.

They ate chatting and talking about the news of the county and the mine, Jeremy telling to his father all he had learnt in the months that he'd been away, asking questions about where he had been and demanding to go to Wheal Grace for he was ready to find copper. Clowance ate in his lap.

' _The cottage looks good Drake'_ , Ross said.

' _Oh yes, I shall never thank 'ee enough for yur generosity Capt'n'_

' _You shall never have to… Do you have somebody helping you with it?'_

Drake looked at him awkwardly, _'It be sister Capt'n. She can never be still when she comes here… She used to move the furniture once a month.'_

' _Oh, of course, I can imagine. Is she well?'_ he asked after a moment of silence and he saw Drake look everywhere but him before answer. _'Yes…'_

' _Mama made me this dress'_ , Clowance spoke for the first time to him.

' _Is very pretty darling, did you help her making it?'_ Ross asked her and she nodded and kept eating, leaving the adults to continue their conversation, but all Drake added was _'She seems content'._

A customer came in the afternoon for Drake and while he was attending his shop Ross decided to give the gifts that he brought to the children.

' _Soldiers! Thank you papa, would you play with me?'_ Jeremy said to him excited, _'Uncle Hugh doesn't like to play with my soldiers…'_

' _Oh? Of course I'll play with you buddy… Why doesn't he like to play? What does he do?'_ Ross asked absently. Jeremy raised his shoulders and made him a face, _'I don't know. He talks to mama a lot, and he plays the piano and go to walk… he's boring.'_ Jeremy stated for Ross delight.

' _Well don't worry Jeremy, now that I'm here and when home is ready we'll be able to play and go to the mine, and go out with Darkie…'_

' _I want go to the beach.'_ Clowance interrupted him again.

Ross gave Jeremy a couple of coloring books, a little wooden horse and a tricorn he bought for him in a store in London. For Clowance he had brought a few dresses, a storybook and two dolls.

' _Do you like them princess?'_

' _Mmhhh… can I give this to Bella?'_ she said hugging one of the dolls.

Jeremy shushed his sister and Ross asked _'Who is Bella?'_ both at the same time.

' _Clowance! Is a secret!'_ Jeremy scolded his little sister, but Ross wasn't going to be put off.

' _Wait Jeremy, who is Bella?'_

' _Is a secret papa…'_

' _Bella is our little sister.'_ Clowance said and kissed her doll. _'What?! Jeremy…'_

But Jeremy looked upset and Clowance was already distracted with both dolls under her arms and trying to see the book at the same time.

 _It was not possible, it just was not possible._

Ross kept playing with his children but his mood had shifted entirely. When Drake came back again and while the children played by the hearth he asked him.

' _Who is Bella, Drake?'_

' _I beg yur pardon?'_ he appeared to be surprised.

' _The children just told me they have a little sister named Bella. Is that true?'_

' _Capt'n Poldark, sister doesn't want for you to…'_

' _They have a daughter?'_

Drake must have seen something in the eyes of his brother in law, for it was impossible to Ross to hide the despair that had invaded him. He had ignored it for far too many months, shut in down, locked it away, but now that he was here and he had to face his life, it couldn't be worst than this.

' _I'm sorry Ross, sister begged me not to say, in fact few people know, not even Sam with Bella being… born outside of marriage sur. I… I didn't find out myself until a few week ago, she didn't show and she didn't say…'_

' _She never says…'_ Ross whispered.

' _Sorry?'_

' _Is the child alright?'_

' _Yes Capt'n, they both are.'_ Ross nodded and put a hand on his forehead. _'I'm sorry Capt'n.'_

' _No Drake, I am the one who's sorry.'_

* * *

It was fortunate that Darkie knew the way back to Nampara because Ross didn't know where he was going, the air of the sunset warmed his face but he felt cold, paralyzed. She had had a child with another man, all these months while he slept in an empty cold bed she had been with him, making love to him and him with his wife, holding her and caressing her belly while it grew with her child, it was too much to bear. _What did he think was going on?_ He had forced himself not to think of it, kept his mind occupied, he had shut down any thought of it, avoided anything that could remind him of her, for she was no longer who he thought she was, she had betrayed him. He even had eluded physical release, a couple of occasions he had found himself in front of a woman ready to be taken but a mere touch of strangers lips reminded him of her and he couldn't do it. Maybe that was what he need it to take her out of his head, release. He thought of Margareth, but it had been years since he hadn't heard from her, he could go to town, to the place where they had come across Osborne…

Without noticing he was already at home, Darkie entering the barn where John Gimlet was waiting. When he sat at the parlor table Jane brought him the bottle of ale and a loaf of bread with cheese, and a letter. It was from Elizabeth.


	4. Chapter 4

Ross had been working all day on the fields of Nampara with John Gimlet cleaning the weed and stirring the soil so they could sow hay again. He had stopped a moment to rest and drink water, in the past few months his foot was paining him more than it had done in the last years, the wound from the American war seemed to have awakened again after so many time. It was a painful distraction and a reminder at the same time, reminder of the girl that used to tend him, that prepared the bucket of warm water and the ointment and the stool for him to rest his leg, a memory of the woman that used to massage him and sat next to him while he rested.

He looked up to the sky, the sun was slowly nearing the edge of the sea, he should go inside and changed his clothes, Elizabeth would be there soon. She had written to him a couple of times while he was in London, the letters though polite, were a bunch of complaints against George, how bad things were between them and how he ignored his son. She asked him for help, but he couldn't honestly know how to help her, the only thing he could think of he had already told her when they met in the graveyard. So he had not responded her. But yesterday her message had got him out of guard, upset and disturbed and he had agreed to meet her. She said George was at Cardew with some guests and she was seeing her mother at Trenwith and could be at Nampara after sunset.

Half an hour later he decided to go inside, he went to leave the tools in the shelter first so he entered by the kitchen.

' _Sur, there's a lady waiting for 'ee.'_ Jane told him when she saw him. Strange, it was still daylight. _'I was going to call for 'ee, but the mistress said she would wait. She's at the parlour 'sur'._

He nodded thinking that he didn't have time to change his clothes, one of his waistcoats was hanging behind the door so he put it on over his dirty shirt. He came to the parlour distracted by the buttons and suddenly stopped when he saw her. There, sitting in her usual arm chair was Demelza.

She was looking at the hearth. She was wearing a pompous yellow gown that looked golden in the blaze of the fire, her hair was tied up and a green ribbon was twined between her braid, she had a glass in her hand and a bottle of port on the table next to her, he thought he got rid of it all... She looked like a wealthy fine lady and for a second Ross felt very aware of the state of his clothes.

Demelza lifted her head when she saw him and stood up leaving the glass on the little table. _'Ross…'_

' _What are you doing here?'_ he said stepping a bit more inside the room.

' _How are you, Ross? I knew you would be back soon if you were cleaning the field with John so I told Jane not to disturb you.'_ She clarified politely.

Ross remained quiet trying to collect his thoughts. What was she doing here? What did she want?. Why suddenly the room didn't seem so obscure? How was it that she seemed so familiar with his servants?

' _Is something wrong with the children?'_

' _No, they're with Drake. I thought that I should… the children… Jeremy told me that they told you about Bella'_. Demelza was talking softly, moving her hands in front of her and looking at him directly. Ross on the other hand didn't know where to look. If into her green eyes, to her chest that was covered by a delicate fichu, or to her belly that had no trace of had carried a child not long ago, to her lips or to her cheeks that were pink due to the alcohol, the heat or his presence, he didn't know. _'I didn't want you to find out like that, that's why I asked them not to tell you…'_

Ross slowly nodded. _'Congratulations are in order I suppose. Who would have thought?... that you would deliver a Boscawen…'_

' _Ross…'_

' _I'm sure Armitage must be exulting. I saved his life, you've given him a child…'_

' _Ross, if you let me explain.'_ She tried to interrupt him once more.

' _There's no need for you to explain anything Demelza, after all, what right do I have to know what you do with your life?'_

' _Ross, you were not here for me to tell you…'_

' _Tell me what?! That I'm the biggest cuckold in the entire Cornwall!'_ , his emotions overwhelmed him then, the repressed feelings and hurt and the pain, he felt it all in his chest. _'What were you going to say to me? That you preferred a stupid naive boy who wooed you with sweet and empty words? That you threw away our life, the life of our family, of our children for some pity little poet?'_

' _I didn't throw away anything Ross, you were the one who left!',_ she replied without hesitation.

' _Do not blame it on me Demelza, you… you betrayed us. You're the one that has been living in sin with another man…'_

She had had enough. It was impossible to reason with him, to have a proper conversation in which he didn't talk with poison in his voice. It was always the same and she would not allow it anymore.

' _And what did you want me to do? After what you said, after you abandoned me? Did you expect me to wait for you here like I always did time after time when you went away? Wait here for an apology that I knew would never come?'_

' _Apology? Why should I apologize to you?'_

Demelza looked at him with hate, or that's what he thought, and disappointment, that look he knew very well.

' _I wonder Ross… Why should I expect anything from you?'_

There was a noise at the door and Jane Gimlett said something to someone. They heard a voice respond _'I'm being expected'_ y suddenly Elizabeth appeared in front of them. Demelza sighed ironically and put a hand on her forehead.

' _Oh, Demelza. I didn't expect to see you here.'_

' _I could say the same Elizabeth.'_ Demelza looked at her husband who didn't seem less ashamed than that one time years ago when it was her the one who interrupted a meeting between the two of them.

' _I see that Tregothnan treats you well, how's your new daughter? I hear Lord Falmouth is not very pleased to have a bastard living in the family home.'_

Demelza quickly glanced at Ross again, but he didn't say a thing _. 'My daughter is well, thank you Elizabeth, and now that we're on the subject, how's Valentine?' -_ She replied bitterly.

It was Elizabeth who looked at Ross then, but he was still without reaction, not knowing how to deal with the situation and cursing himself for had let Elizabeth come to Nampara.

' _Does Lieutenant Armitage know you're here? Surely he won't be pleased to hear it…'_

' _As a matter of fact he does,'_ Demelza lied, _'I don't understand you Elizabeth, why do you always think that I should ask for permission to do anything?'_

' _Of course, silly me, you always did what you wanted to get above your station, from scullery maid to mistress of an heir, how well have you done… and how wrong I was to think that cornflowers faded quickly.'_

Ross watched how Demelza straightened her back, she was in the middle of him and Elizabeth and in that moment she turned her body to fully face his former love so he couldn't see her face anymore, but he heard her voice, secure and without fault.

' _You may have insulted me once Elizabeth, when I was a child and you were already a great lady... You could have had anything you wanted. You wanted Ross? Why didn't you take him then? Because he was poor? Because he had nothing to offer you? You made him miserable and you ruined Francis' life as well, and you ruined my life also Elizabeth! I can't undo the past, but I won't repeat the same mistakes again and I won't let you insult me in my own house anymore…'_

' _This is no longer your house my dear.'_ Elizabeth said coldly.

' _This is my children's home, and whatever… business that you and Ross have you'll have to take it else where. I'm not the scullery maid anymore Elizabeth, you're not on higher ground like you used to be. I want you out of here and never set foot in this house again...'_

Elizabeth saw Ross moved uncomfortable and Demelza turned around to see him as well. For a moment she thought he would say something to support her but he was still frozen by the sight of the two women he had loved, and ashamed like he was years ago when Elizabeth came the day after he had slept with Demelza for the first time, now he was ashamed that his wife had found her here again, he had hurt them both so much but to have invited Elizabeth to their home was beyond stupidity.

After a long moment of silence in which neither of them moved Demelza added in a calmer tone: _'I told you once and I say to you again, you're welcome to Ross. But not here, you would not want me to go to George to confirm his suspicions.'_

Elizabeth's cheekbones turned red, she looked at Ross one more time and then left with a loud bang of the door. Demelza and Ross were alone again. She didn't want to look at him, she grabbed a green cloak that Ross hadn't notice was on the back of a chair and headed to the door. _'Demelza wait.'_ , he called after her, she turned around and said to him _'Thank you, Ross… you're always so helpful.'_

* * *

And then she also left, and the room turned dark once more.

Later that evening, after Hugh had dry the tears of her face and Demelza had told him what had happened he asked her while holding her hands in his _'So you did not tell him?'_

' _I couldn't, Oh Hugh, I couldn't. She was there, I never thought he would bring her there…'_

' _Shhh… everything will be alright sweetheart, you'll see, as long as we have each other everything will be fine.'_

He caressed her cheek with his lips and Demelza surrounded him with her arms, holding him tight to her. He gave her comfort but he knew, while she kept crying in his shoulder, he knew that it would have to be him the one to deal with Poldark and it would have to be done soon because he was not going to be there for her for much longer.


	5. Chapter 5

Only three days he had been in Cornwall and the shield that he'd created around his heart was already shattered and torned to pieces as well as the organ it protected. It was not the first time that Ross Poldark experienced heartbreak and for as much as painful that time long ago had been, it could not even be compared to this. For how can the loss of something that was never truly ours can be measured to the reality of a home, a family and a love so true, so steady and so common that even after all the months that had passed still lingered in his dreams, both sleeping and wakeful, he still woke in the nights to turn around to see why he was so cold, where was she?, his arm still search for her in the mornings, a force of habit during ten years, to reach for her and bring her closer, but for months he had found an empty bed, yet his arm refused to give up and the first conscious thought that came to mind since the day he left was 'She's with someone else', her bed is not empty, she's not cold, another man's arm reaches for her now, and each of those thoughts was a brick to build his wall, a wall that she had smashed down with only a few moments of her presence.

She didn't say why had she come to see him, he didn't have let her. To tell him about the child? To grant him the courtesy of letting him know by herself that she had moved on? Quite possible. And then, the encounter with Elizabeth. How fool he was to let her had come to their house… Their home, that's what she said, her home. Why? Did she still consider this place as such? Or it was just her pride to be facing Elizabeth and not let her see her in a losing position that had spoken? And then he heard her say that Elizabeth was welcome to him, and that was not the first time she had said it to her… when was the first time? Why would she think he would want to be with her? Every time the name of Elizabeth came in conversation while they were still together he tried to avoid it, to not give Demelza reason to believe that he still lived in the past, he promised her she would not come between them again, yet he had failed apparently.

And what could he say? 'Demelza, I love you. I don't want her, I love you'. For what? If she was with someone else, if she didn't love him anymore…

* * *

Hugh's headaches were getting worst. He refused to stay abed but even the light of a bright day caused him pain. He didn't go out much these days, not even to accompany Demelza in her walks by the gardens or to the saloon where the piano was to play for little Isabella.

He hadn't said anything to her but he could tell she knew and she spent all the time she could with him, reading to him or writing the poems that he dictated, for her and for Isabella. Demelza used to lay her in his arms and he would sing to her, sometimes Demelza joined them, and he would tell tales, all the greatest stories he knew, all the plays he had seen, and he wished he could see clearly the face of his love because he could hear her gasp, amazed by the tales he told. He cursed himself for being this ill, for he was not going to be able to give her everything he wanted, everything she deserved.

They had received word that Poldark was back in Cornwall and that he wished to see his children. Then something had happened and yesterday Demelza was out all the afternoon, when she came back she was crying, as much as she was during the firsts days after he left her, and he could not stand it, for her to be like this. He thought he would have more time, but time was against him and he would have to act soon.

He was not feeling particularly bad that day so when the sun went down and while Demelza was attending the children he set off to Nampara.

* * *

When Ross came back from Wheel Grace he saw a big carriage outside his house. He left his hat on the table near the door and in the parlour found Hugh Armitage near the window looking at him. He would have to have a talk with Jane about letting people in the house, he thought.

' _Give me a good reason for me not to kick you out of my house right now'_ , he said in the most restraint voice he could find.

He hated the man. Hate how charming and pristine he looked, hated having to look up to see him in the eyes, hated the sound of his voice and every word that came out of his mouth, but most of all he hated the fact that it was him who brought him into their lives, if he could do things again, he would have left him rotten in that prison of France.

' _Ross, we have to talk, you know we have to.'_

' _I don't have anything to say to you. Anything civil at least, you should better go otherwise I would make pointless the fact that I saved your life.'_

' _Fact for what I'll always be obliged to you, but…'_

Ross laughed sardonically. _'You really have a nerve Armitage. No decency, but I really admire your courage. It will help you not when I put a bullet in your head.'_

Ross searched for the pistols that were once hanging on the wall of the parlour but then remembered they had moved them when Jeremy was old enough to climb on the furniture.

' _Ross, I just want to talk. You may not have anything to say but I do, and we are both gentlemen so I trust we can have a mannerly conversation.'_

' _You're not a gentleman…'_ Ross began again but Hugh interrupted him.

' _For the sake of Demelza. And for your children if she doesn't interest you anymore.'_

Ross stepped closer to him and slowly nodded. _'Go to the point.'_

Hugh brought his hands to the lapels of his coat, he didn't look older than an adolescent.

' _I want to marry her.'_

' _What?'_ Ross mentally searched for the guns in the library, were they loaded? Surely not… it would give him time to escape, he would have to do it with his own hands. _'You can't marry her, she's my wife!'_

' _That's why I needed to talk to you, I need you to agree to the dissolution of your marriage.'_

' _I would not do such thing!... Is this what she came to tell me yesterday? You'll never have my agreement, you should go Armitage, if you appreciate your life, you should leave right now.'_

' _Ross be reasonable, why do you want to stay married to her? You will be free to redo your life as you please… if you don't agree…'_

' _I won't agree.'_ He muttered.

' _Then we'll have to appeal for an annulment, but that takes more time and I don't have it.'_

' _Annulment? On what grounds?'_

' _I believe she was a minor when she married you? And you didn't have her father's consent? Am I correct?'_

' _She's been my wife for ten years, you'll never get it for a technicality like that…'_

' _I will try by any means necessary… You must see, I only want the best for her…'_

' _The best? The best would have been for her to stay in her home with her husband! You are a piece of scum Armitage, you took her away from me…'_

' _Did I Ross? It seemed to me that I didn't take away anything that you hadn't lost yourself. If you ever cared for her, you must understand that this is what is best.'_

' _Cared? I loved her!'_

' _More reason then. I just want to protect her, and my child. You see my uncle, even when he reluctantly accepted our situation at present, he will not do so forever…'_

' _I'm sure you uncle is not pleased to have a bastard been born under his roof.'_

Hugh looked at him with disgust, and Ross regretted his words, not for him but for Demelza and her child as well. He continued after a moment.

' _I've been able to protect them until now but I won't be capable of doing so much longer and I fear that when I'm gone my mother won't be so coercive as she's been so far with my uncle and Demelza won't have anything or anywhere to go and I can't allow that.'_

' _Sorry Armitage, where are you going?'_ Ross asked confused.

' _I'm dying.'_ He stated without hesitation, _'And I would like to marry the woman I love and I would like Isabella to have my name.'_

Ross wasn't expecting that. He was so young and didn't look ill at all…

' _Oh... You don't look…'_

' _Is in my head, there's something there that it shouldn't be. It affects my sight, some days are better than others but I know I don't have much longer in this world.'_

Ross was moved, after all he had saved his life for now to be wasted and Demelza… Demelza would suffer because of it. Slowly he went to sit in one of the arm chairs and pointed the other for Hugh to sit as well.

' _I'm sorry.'_ He said after a while, _'I didn't expect that… Does Demelza know?'_

' _Yes, but not that the end will come so soon. We… hoped to have more time.'_ There was silence in the room again, and Hugh gave time to Ross to analyze what he'd just said.

' _You see, I don't have the time to get an annulment, you must give your consent to dissolve the marriage, if you don't want her, I do'_

Ross responded him quickly _'Who says I don't want her?'_

' _You. You cast her away.'_

' _I did not such thing.'_ Did he?

' _Ross, Demelza has told me everything. Since the moment you met her and Garrick until that day ten months ago when you asked her to leave…'_

' _That… was not what I meant.'_

' _Didn't you tell her to get out?'_

' _Yes but…'_

' _Didn't you insult her?'_

Ross ran his hand through his hair, this was not his fault! It was him who took her away, he and her, both the ones that went behind his back.

' _Look Armitage, I'm sorry what's happening to you but that doesn't take away the fact that you took my wife from her home…'_

Hugh was getting anxious, he thought it would be easier, that he would agree when he realized it was for her well being, if he didn't want her anymore like Demelza had told him.

' _Ross… if you didn't want her to leave why didn't you come back for her?'_

' _Why? Why do you think why?! Because she was with you! Because you were her… lover. Because she chose to go with you.'_

Hugh stood up, suddenly he felt an ache in his head and he'd put his fingers between his eyes and give pressure to ease the pain.

' _Are you alright?'_ Ross asked standing up as well and getting closer to him but before he could offer some ale Hugh started laughing. 'What's so funny?' his tone of concern forgotten.

' _You're such a fool Poldark… how could you let her go without a fight? Your children… you abandoned them without not even see them once more…'_

' _How could I? How could you! You were her lover while…'_

' _I was never her "lover". Do you not know her at all? Do you think her capable of something like that?'_

' _But she said… I asked her and she said yes.'_

' _Yes. Once, after I told her I was dying and after she found out about you and Elizabeth…'_

' _Elizabeth? What does Elizabeth got to do in all this?'_

He heard him said that Demelza thought he was seeing Elizabeth again, but something caught Ross's attention, a hunch, his instincts had awakened.

' _Why did she come yesterday?'_

' _Didn't she say?'_

' _No'_

' _And why was that Ross?'_ , and Hugh stood straight forcing him to look up, _'Did you let her speak? Did you even try to hear her? Or you casted her aside and ignored her like you do all the time... Oh yes, like I said she told me everything…'_

Ross ignored the tone of disdain in his voice, presently he was more interested in getting information for him before he decided to leave, which by the manner he looked at the door would be very soon.

' _I will not give you my consent to dissolve the marriage.'_ Ross said steadily.

' _You are stubborn Ross… I'll get to marry her anyhow. Have a good evening.'_ Hugh said and headed to the door, but Ross wasn't going to let him leave without finding out what he wanted to know.

' _Armitage, what was she going to tell me yesterday? About this? That she will marry you?'_

' _It doesn't matter…'_

' _Yes it does.'_

Hugh came back in to stand a few inches from him.

' _You'll not get her back, you lost her… You know, she waited for you, she was sure you were going to go back for her, back for your family. She thought that for once you were going to fight for her…'_

' _Why? She was with you!'_

' _No she wasn't! Not for many months she wasn't.'_

' _And the child?'_

' _Isabella is my daughter!... Even if she was not conceived by me…'_

Good God.

' _But surely… if you were together once, she can't be sure…'_

' _She was born a little bit more than a month ago, what happened between Demelza and me was two months before she left you so, at least you've ever heard about an eleven-month pregnancy... It makes no difference to me. She is my daughter because I love her, because I saw her grew up in her mother's belly, because I took care of her them while she was expecting her, and because I love Demelza and she has let me be her father.'_

Ross looked for support behind him and had to sit again in the armchair for he could have fallen to the floor. The child was his. Demelza had given birth to another Poldark and he had not been there… The urge to seeing her invaded him, the necessity to meet his daughter, Bella. And the necessity to see his wife. They have to talk, God, they have to talk about so many things. She should have sent for him, she should have let him know…

Hugh Armitage was still standing near, watching him sink in his despair and in his… hope.

' _Do you still love her?'_

Ross raised his eyes to him, he would not take her away…

' _Yes, she's my wife.'_

' _Too bad. She will not come back to you Ross, you hurt her enough… You lost.'_

And with that he left the house.

After he left Ross quickly got out of the house through the library and to the stables. He traced the shorter path to Tregothnan in his mind, Hugh came by carriage so he would get there before him…

 _Lost. Lost?. He hadn't even begun fighting._


	6. Chapter 6

While Ross rode at full speed to Tregothan a storm was unleashed. It didn't stop him. If anything he thought it was for the best. It will take more time for Armitage to get there, more time for him to talk alone with Demelza. He felt nervous, uneasy. Now and then the feeling within him was so strong that he could have been physically sick. He was still angry at her. Maybe even angrier than he had been in all those months because she had hidden from him the fact that she was expecting their child. "What was she thinking?" He thought her mad. But nonetheless, that would have to wait. The first thing was to get them home, the place they should had never left. Then there would be time to put things right.

As he came down a hill he spotted the mansion in the darkness. It was late and no light could be seen from the outside, none but one that glittered in the second floor. He was sure she would be there. Demelza never went to bed early. Ross took a deep breath that was impregnated with rain and pressed Darkie to go faster.

* * *

Demelza was by the fire trying to read a book of poetry that Hugh had given her. But her mind was distracted and she could not focus. She had been restless since Ross' return. And worst since her visit the previous day. She was right, he still despised her. She knew him and also knew he would never be able to forgive her. Sometimes she wondered if she had not gotten ill all of those years ago after she arranged Verity's escape and after Carnmore's bankruptcy, if Ross could have forgiven her just on his own. He said it that time. "Poldarks are hasty and sharp tempered", and she was a Poldark too. She didn't want to go back to how things were in the last months of her marriage with Ross. But in that moment she thought she could fight. She thought she could make the situation better. They always had their moments, their marriage was not as tamed as other were. Ross had his moods and so had she, but they were strong together. And she had let go of the things that got in their way, or somehow she'd got used to them. Used to the shadow of Elizabeth and what Ross still felt for her. But lately the shadow followed her closely and she couldn't get rid of it. And then there was Hugh.

Hugh with his youth and his attentions. It could have been so easily rejected in any other moment of her life but she didn't feel to do so at that time. Not with Ross going back to his old ghosts. And after what he said, when she realized that she had not just lost the place in his heart but also the respect he had always shown her, she was lost.

Rage came first, like it had before, impulsiveness. After she heard him leave the house she packed a few things for her and the children and went to Sam. It never crossed her mind that she would not return to Nampara. A part of her felt, even until that moment, that he owed her an apology, the other part knew very well that this time it was her who had wrong her husband. But she was vexed and she didn't come back.

She remembered Hugh, he seemed so tall and aristocratic in her brother's humble cottage and she remembered what he'd said…

' _Dear Demelza, you do not belong in a place like this. I know it is your brother's home but a free spirit like yours deserves to be taking care of.'_

She said to him that it was alright, that she wouldn't be there for much longer, but he was persistent.

' _Then more the reason to accept my proposal, if only for a short stay. You'll be much more comfortable. You can't be all piled up here, think about your children… and when Ross come back from Bodmin your brother can tell him where you are.'_

' _From Bodmin?'_ Demelza had asked.

' _Yes, the election. Did he not tell you?'_ Hugh replied hesitantly, _'He accepted my uncle's proposition to become a Member of Parliament. You'll hear the result of the election sooner if you are in Tregothnan. My uncle will be home any moment and perhaps Ross would come back with him…'_

And so Demelza and the children had gone with Hugh Armitage. The following day Lord Falmouth had returned with the news that Ross Poldark was now MP for Truro. But Ross never came back for her or the kids. In their last encounters, she had managed to establish a respectful relationship with Lord Falmouth. She had helped, alongside Caroline, to solve a long time feud between him and Sir Francis Basset. Since then he held her in great esteem and when he told her that Ross had already gone to London to take his seat she could see the look of pity in his eyes.

Then everything had been bleakness. Demelza didn't cry easily but in the following days she'd wept like she never did in her life before. Everything was over. Finally Ross had found the excuse to get rid of her. At the end Elizabeth had won. And it was her own fault. She could see how she irritated him lately, how he pushed her aside, like he ignored her. And she could see him growing fond of Elizabeth once again. And then she had seen them, in the graveyard, a few feet away from where their child was buried, kissing her. So for a brief moment, just for a couple of hours in her life she pretended not to be married to Ross Poldark and she let Hugh love her.

Afterwards she had come back home to be who she always had been. His wife, the mother of his children, his second best. Ross didn't say anything about his encounter and neither did she about hers. It had not been revenge, not even an act to level things between them. That was impossible. While Ross had always been half in love with another woman, she had never loved anyone but him. No, she didn't love Hugh, not in that way. But she felt loved when she was with him and that afternoon she needed to be cherished.

She cried for days, for her and for her children. She didn't know what to do. Once she had threatened with going back to Illugan, when Jeremy was merely more than a babe. But now there was also Clowance. If it was a poor choice then, now it was no option at all. She would leave, she couldn't stay. She had nothing except her children…

Between her cries and deliberations, she heard a voice, distant at first but clearer and clearer as each day passed. A hand soothing her, a shoulder in which she was weeping on. The voice said, "Everything will be fine, you don't have to worry about anything". The voice read poems to her and whispered in her ear "You should not cry Demelza. Because a beautiful creature like you doesn't deserve to suffer like this. But do it if you want to. Let it all out. Let him out and don't be concerned. You won't miss anything and neither will your children".

He brought her back to life. Made her enjoy the little things that the day gave to them. He enjoyed nature as much as her. He forced her out of the house to show her the gardens. He told stories to her and the children. He was her friend and she loved him as such and was grateful to him. She had nothing but her children. And now she had Hugh.

By the time he had his first attack she had found out she was pregnant. She didn't tell anyone, not even Dwight who had come to see Hugh.

' _There's nothing I can do'_ She heard him said to Lord Falmouth, _'it is a matter of time, weeks, maybe a few months. These episodes will appear more often and there's nothing anyone can do to prevent them. Between them I recommend he enjoy life as much as he can, without exerting too much excitement of course. I'm sorry I can't do anything else for him Lord Falmouth.'_

He said it to her once but with no signs on the outside, she had forgotten. Now Hugh will leave her as well. She didn't want to abandon his side since then. He was so young and so full of life. It made her own problems pale in comparison. Demelza took to heart what Dwight said. She made it her mission to see that Hugh had everything he wanted, except that all he wanted was her. And what did she have to lose? She will be gone nonetheless. Sooner or later, at least she could make someone, someone who she cared for, someone who she loved, happy. She gave herself to him, or almost all of herself, and miraculously he got better. She took care of him and he of her. She promised to stay with him until the very end.

Sometimes she couldn't understand why he loved her. Why he was so content in their new relationship when he couldn't have her completely? She asked, she asked everything, there were no secrets between them. He'd said it was enough. He would never ask for something he knew she couldn't give. Maybe with time, but for now it was enough to have her with him.

Demelza was a few months pregnant when she told him about the babe, "Will you tell Ross?" He asked, his voice low. She should. But what would he say? If he despised her and baby news were never his favorites… She was terrified of what he would say. But before she could make any decision, Hugh was already asking her to let him be the father of her child. He would never have any children of his own. Nothing would bring him more happiness. He had so much love to give. It broke Demelza's heart to know that it was going to be wasted. So out of fear of what Ross would say and to please Hugh, she had said yes.

It would have been easier if Ross wouldn't have come back a few weeks later. He made no attempt to see her, but he called for their children. She sent for Prudie, who was living with Caroline to help him. The kids spent a fortnight in Nampara. Ross took them to Drake's cottage in the afternoon while he was in the mine and she went to be with them there, every day expecting to find Ross had waited for her. But he never did and soon he left again, with no word to her.

* * *

It had been hours since Hugh had gone and she was worried. It was not usual of him to be out at night or to go without telling her where he'd be. On top of that a storm was unleashed. She could hear the wind blowing even through the thick walls of Tregothan house. She was staring absently at the fire when she heard a commotion downstairs. First, there was a knock on the door. Then men were arguing and after she heard the steward shout _'Sir you can't!'_. She had left the book on the armchair and stood to listen. Demelza knew who he was before seeing him. The sound of long steps and heavy boots unmistakable. The door opened suddenly to reveal a soaking wet Ross.

' _Demelza. Is it true? Is she my daughter?'_


	7. Chapter 7

' _Demelza, is it true? Is she my daughter?'_ Ross blurted straight to the point. The strands of wet hair stuck to his forehead. His lips white with cold and hurry.

To Demelza he looked rabid and wild. His bloodshot eyes looked dangerous. The connection was made in an instant for there was no other way for him to know. _'Where is Hugh?'_ she worriedly asked. Ross didn't seem to understand her because he stood like a mármol statue near the door, looking at her. The steward appeared in the room then. With some agitation he said: _'Ma'am'_ – and curtsied - _'my apologies Mistress Demelza I couldn't stop him. Sir, I will escort you to the door.'_ He muttered with no great sense of security. Ross didn't turn back. _'I'll go no where'_ he said with his teeth still clenching. _'Sir…'_ the servant began to protest again but Demelza interrupted him. _'Where is Hugh, Ross?'_ she said more vigorously.

Without wanting to lose more time he unwillingly said that Armitage would arrive soon, _'Leave us man.'_ he commanded the steward. But the servant was reluctant to leave Mistress Demelza alone with a man and wasn't going to be put off so easily. _'Do you know who I am?!'_ Ross shouted, finally turning to see the servant who had half hidden behind the door frame. _'Captain Poldark, sir'_

' _And your mistress is Demelza Poldark, and I need no permission to see my wife, so leave. Now.'_

It was clear that the poor man didn't want to stay under the gaze of Captain Poldark one second longer but still he managed to ask Demelza _'Should I call for Lord Falmouth, Ma'am?'_

Demelza approached the men, instinctively trying to place herself between them, but ended up near Ross and noticed he was trembling.

' _No, that won't be necessary, Captain Poldark will leave soon. Please go back downstairs and help Lieutenant Armitage when he arrives.'_

With that the man left, not without a final worried look to Ross.

He meant to repeat his first question but Demelza spoke first.

' _Come near the fire Ross. You'll catch a chill.'_ She moved to the window table, grabbed a chair and placed it in front of the hearth. _'Here, hang your coat, it will dry sooner.'_

' _Demelza…'_ he tried to start again but she opened one of the many doors that were in that room and disappeared into it. Two seconds later she came back with a cloth in her hands.

' _Here. Dry with this.'_

He did and he also put his coat and waistcoat in the chair near the fire. Now that the rush of the moment had passed, and now that he was alone with her a strange awareness overpowered him and seemed to restrain his voice.

' _Is he alright?'_ She asked concerned.

He nodded. _'He'll be back soon, might be delayed with this weather. He said…'_ and he had to clear his throat to continue, _'He said your daughter is mine.'_

Demelza eyed him sharply but he couldn't read her mood. He couldn't see her battling inside. Her secret… why did he tell him?

Ross came close to her. His shirt still damp, his hair ruffled over his shoulders.

' _Tell me, Demelza. Tell me the child is not yours and mine, tell me.'_ He said grabbing her arm.

It was then when she was the one raging. She felt the hatred in her fingertips, the hatred he had shown her that day. She struggled to release her arm from his grasp.

' _She ain't yours, 'tis somebody else's'_ Demelza spited.

' _Hugh's?'_

' _Maybe. Maybe not. She could be anyone's daughter, after all… Am I not just a common trull from Illugan?'_

His brain and his tongue froze hearing her say that. An instinct, that anger that always invaded him when someone spoke ill of his wife was with him now. Even when it was Demelza who spoke badly of herself. But his feelings weren't just against her, they were against him too, because he was the one who spoke those words in the first place.

' _Don't say that.'_ He said more softly.

' _Why not Ross? It is what you told me…'_

' _I was out of myself! What did you expect? That I rejoiced in the news that I was a cuckold?'_

Demelza sighed but said nothing.

' _Is that what you wanted to tell me yesterday?'_

Demelza brought a hand to her forehead in obvious distress. He went to put his hand on her elbow, more gently this time, but she cringed and moved away.

' _I thought to tell you, that you should know… Yes, Bella… I was just a couple of weeks pregnant when you left, didn't know by then…'_

She wasn't looking at him, how could she? Despite her anger and hurt she knew what she had done. Or did not do and she didn't expect any other reaction from Ross other than the one she got.

' _Have you lost your mind?!'_ He said, trembling again but not from cold this time. _'Why did you not tell me? You should have called for me…'_

' _You were not here Ross! You left. You didn't even say goodbye to Jeremy and Clowance, why should I bother you with another child when you didn't even care about them?'_

' _I do care about them. Demelza… that day, those days… I wasn't thinking…'_

Before Ross could articulate an answer there was loud thunder that made the windows glass shiver. It was followed by the cry of an infant coming from a near room, "My child"- he thought. Without a word Demelza opened another door and went through. He followed her.

He was distracted by the sumptuosity of the room. It was a bedroom, with an enormous four poster bed on the far wall, ornate furniture and windows that went from the carpeted floor to the luxurious painted ceiling. His kitchen, the parlor and the library of Nampara, they would all fit together in this room. An idle thought came to his mind, an image of the young brat he'd saved so many years ago and how well she had done for herself. A jab of jealousy clicked in his skin when he pictured her with 'another' man in that place.

The baby was still crying while Demelza gently rocked her from one side to the other.

' _May I?'_ He said raising his hands towards them. He saw her doubt for a moment and peek at his shirt.

' _Take the blanket from the bassinet'_ She motioned her head for him to grab the cover from the cradle.

He raised his arms again, this time covered by the wool blanket for the baby not to get cold from his wet shirt. Demelza placed the crying child in his arms and wrapped her tightly. He then saw his daughter for the first time…

' _Good God!'_ He gasped. _'She looks just like Julia.'_

Demelza had stayed close to them and took her little child's hand in hers to soothe her as well while Ross started to move. Bella stopped crying after a few moments and with curious eyes began to glance at the strange man that smiled at her.

' _It was a shock for me too,'_ \- Demelza said after a while – _'For a moment I thought… it was a silly thought, but I imagined she was back with us. But Bella's hair is darker than Julia's, is growing darker every day, and she has my nose the poor thing…'_

While Demelza was talking Ross was enraptured in the charm of his baby daughter. It was true that she looked a lot like her oldest sister. But he could see what Demelza was saying about her hair. And she was smaller too. Smaller that Julia or Clowance when they were born, even when she was a month old. He kissed her forehead and her nose while Demelza kept talking.

'… _and her lungs are louder. She can wake up the entire house with her shouting.'_

' _I heard that.'_ Ross agreed looking at his wife again. _'Did everything go well? I mean… the birth. Were you alright?'_ The pain of had not being there for Demelza when Bella was born returning.

' _Yes.'_ \- She replied hesitantly – _'Hugh… he called two midwives to assist me.'_

His gaze went back to his daughter. _'Oh. He managed the impossible…'_

' _He's been so good with her, with all of us.'_ \- Demelza said absently. Ross looked around to the big room in which they were and replied _'I can see that.'_

The slight smile on Demelza's face disappeared.

' _Bella,'_ – said Ross trying to go back to a more agreeable subject – _'was it your idea?'_

' _Isabella. Yes, 'twas my idea.'_ Her tone was colder than a few seconds ago.

' _Why Isabella?'_

' _I don't know. I heard it from Sam once in one of his preachings… Guess I liked the sound of it.'_

' _I like it too. Bella Poldark.'_ He stated without a hint of dubiety.

' _Ross…'_ Demelza began to protest. She took a step back realizing how close she was to him, but he grasped her arm once more, holding Bella confidently with only one arm.

' _You're coming back to Nampara.'_ He said to her.

They looked at each other, the slightest touch sending fire through their skins. In a matter of hours, merely minutes, the world that Ross knew in those last months was upside down. If he rationalized it he couldn't understand it. All he knew was that the child he was holding already had a piece of his heart. He loved her. And the woman beside him. He had to get them home. Tonight. He didn't stop to think. He didn't stop to say to Demelza what he felt. He didn't stop to ask Demelza what did she want…

' _Where are the children? You should wake them up, let's go home.'_

Demelza watched him carefully. Her heart was torn apart. The tears were gathering again behind her eyes for this man. She should have told him, now she knew what she always did. She should have send word and told him. "Ross. I'm with child, I think it is best for you to know. Don't come back, you don't need to worry about us. Don't come back." But she didn't do it. She could not face it. Couldn't see the look of love in his eyes for his daughter and not be broken for what she'd lost, for what she never had.

' _No Ross.'_

' _What do you mean 'No'? Demelza, this foolishness has gone too far. Your place is at Nampara.'_

' _My place is where I say it is!'_

' _For God's sake Demelza!'_ They both said loudly and Bella moved uncomfortably in his arm. They went quiet and watched her until she seemed calm in her sleep again and then continued in a lower voice.

' _I won't go. You don't have to worry about us.'_

' _I don't have to worry? You're my wife, they're my children…'_

' _It is not concern of yours. We have never been. Even if you pretend it is now or you think it is for some sort of male pride you have in this moment…'_

' _Pretend?'_

'… _you'll forget it in a short while. And then again, you'll only worry about yourself, your honor, the miners, the villagers, you'll worry about_ her _. And I will be left behind once more. You've never worried about me anyway. So why should now be any different?'_

' _How can you say that Demelza? You know that's not true…'_

' _All I know is what you've said. And what I lived for the many years I spent by your side. And I know I did wrong but you... you wronged me as well… I stayed once, I shouldn't have done it. I won't make the same mistake twice.'_

Ross swallowed. _'Would you rather be with him?'_

But Demelza did not answer because in that moment Hugh appeared in the door.

* * *

He was agitated from running up the stairs two steps at a time after the steward told him Captain Poldark was with Mistress Demelza. The light was pale but he could see Ross' figure cut out from the glow coming in through the windows, he had something in his arms. He was holding Isabella.

He approached cautiously towards them, in part because he wasn't sure how he would be received, in part because strange stains clouded his vision. When he was a few inches from Demelza he noted she was crying. The tears hadn't yet escaped her eyes but her body was tense, her shoulders straight. He took her hand when he reached her side and caressed her cheek with his lips and softly asked:

' _Are you alright my dear?'_

If he could have seen her properly he would had seen her blush. She squeezed his hand and nodded. _'Yes.'_ He heard her whisper.

Hugh stood beside Demelza, his left hand holding her right, the other resting on her lower back. His sight was bothering him. Demelza was blurry next to him; Ross was just but a white smudge a few feet away.

He tried to control it. To listen to what they were saying. It was Ross who was talking, he sounded upset. _'You'll stay with him?... I won't allow it… You want to marry him?'_

But he couldn't hear Demelza's response. Suddenly all went to black. He pressed himself against her and tried to speak but he could not longer control his body.

' _Demelza'_ was the last thing that Hugh said and collapsed to the floor.


	8. Chapter 8

Demelza didn't stay for Hugh Armitage's funeral. She didn't want to remember him that way.

While the scion of the Boscawen family was being buried in his family's crypt on Truro Cathedral, Demelza was making supper for her children in Nampara's kitchen.

* * *

Hugh had agonized for almost two days after his last and mortal attack. Demelza had been by his side almost all of the time.

Everything happened so quickly. Ross' mind went to that moment over and over again.

He was standing with his daughter in his arms when he arrived. Demelza had just said she wouldn't come back with him, that she regretted staying after his slip with Elizabeth. _'To be with him'_ \- was the first thought he had and said.

' _Would you rather be with him?'_

Demelza did not answer. Armitage was nearing her. "God no". He didn't want to look but his eyes were fixated on them. He saw how his lips touched her skin in an intimate kiss. He saw her blush, how she raised her pink cheeks to welcome him. How they squeezed their hands together. How he stood proudly next to her, touching her like it was only his right to do so.

He whispered something inaudible to him and Demelza nodded and said _'Yes.'_ – If he hadn't held Bella… How could he dare? How could she?

' _Demelza'_ \- he said sharply - _'Is this really what you want? You'll stay with him?'_

She seemed to squeeze Hugh's hand tighter. Ross didn't notice it was the other way around.

' _I'm past the things I want Ross.'_

' _It's lunacy… I won't allow it! I won't let you break your vows.'_

' _Our vows have long been broken.'_ – she replied in a low voice, not sure what was he talking about. How could he dare to talk about their vows when he was the first one who had forgotten them.

She would not leave Hugh. Not for a man who came demanding her to obey him without even a drop of remorse for what he said, for what he had done. For only excuses. Not when Hugh needed her and gave her everything without asking anything more than what she gave him.

' _So is it true? You want to marry him?'_

She seemed surprised by his question. The anger that he saw in her face turned into hesitation. Surely they'd talked of this…

' _Marry him?'_ – she tried to understand.

The bloody fool. It was his idea. He hadn't told her. Ross looked at Hugh, a smirk on his face. He pretended that she marry him and hadn't even asked her? She would never agree to it. Only he could do that, only he had done it.

Then he couldn't remember how it happened. He heard Armitage call _'Demelza'_. The next second he was on the floor. Demelza fell with him. She tried to soften the fall with her body. He had leaned his body against hers. Their hands were still intertwined.

Demelza shook him and called his name. _'Hugh. Hugh!'_ – she begged. But he didn't move. She turned to look at him one second and that was all she needed to do.

Ross left Bella in the crib, ran to the door and shouted for help and a doctor. He came back and kneeled next to them. Checked his pulse, put an ear on his chest and verified his breathing. _'He's still breathing.'_ He said to Demelza. _'Help me put him on the bed.'_

Demelza stood up and went to open the blankets while he lifted him from the floor. She came back running to help him to hold his head up. He was a dead weight, but Ross didn't have much trouble in carrying him.

Demelza sat beside him and grabbed his hand again and there she stayed for almost two days. The only times she left him was to check upon the children and reassure them that everything was alright. Her face betrayed her.

It had been an endless parade of people then. Dwight was the first to arrive. He was surprised to find Ross there. He hadn't heard he was back. Lady Boscawen joined Demelza soon after and held his son's other hand but when nearly a day had gone by the nerves took the better of her and she was given a sedative to help her sleep.

Behenna was the other doctor called by Lord Falmouth, but he could do no more than Dr. Enys, as he said.

Tenants, associates and political allies had come to pay their respects to Lord Falmouth. Ross noticed that only a few of them actually knew Lieutenant Armitage. Most were using the occasion to hold business meetings.

During the first night, Dwight found Ross in the children's room. He had looked for it and taken Bella with him to be with his children, waiting for what to do next.

Dwight told him about Hugh's illness _'Is a miracle he lasted this long'_ – he said – _'I'd only gave him a couple of months and that was ten months ago.'_ Ross kept his thoughts to himself.

' _I didn't know she was pregnant Ross.'_ – he said apologetically. _'A saw her only a couple of times and she didn't show. And Caroline… she said nothing until the child was born but urged me not to send for you.'_

Ross just nodded but said nothing.

' _My apologies, Ross.'_

' _It was not your news to tell me Dwight, and I wouldn't want for you to quarrel with Caroline…'_

' _No, not just for that, I mean… if you hadn't gone to rescue me, Hugh would have never entered your lives.'_

They were speaking quietly for the kids not to hear them. Ross considered what his friend said.

' _You don't need to apologize for that either. I'd do it again if I had to, my friend.'_

They shook hands and continue talking for a while longer. Dwight told Ross about Hugh's disease, about how there was nothing to be done from the beginning. His episodes, and how much surprised Dwight was of Hugh's recovery over and over again. He told Ross that Caroline had seen Demelza only a few times, but she had refused to tell her what had transpired between the two of them. Or Caroline didn't want to share it with him, Dwight added. Demelza had gone to Killewarren with Lady Boscawen on a couple of occasions but he hadn't been there when they went.

' _What are you going to do?'_ He asked before checking his patient again.

' _Take them home.'_ He answered. "If she let me" he added just for himself.

The hours were long. In the midst of the commotion, Ross had made himself welcome in the nursery along with his three children. He wasn't sleeping on the second night when Demelza came in but he didn't speak to her. She gently picked up Bella and went away. Ross followed her a few minutes later.

The house was silent in the middle of the night. She was laying in the bed next to Hugh's dying body over the covers, curled up and still holding his hand, her eyes closed. Bella was sleeping between them.

Hugh Armitage passed away the following morning, with Demelza beside him. He went to the room in a moment when no one else was there, just her. He hadn't seen her cry the day before. Now her head was bent to him and she was sobbing silently. He sat on the bed behind her.

Demelza didn't realize there was someone near her until she felt a hand touch her back in a soothing motion.

' _I'm sorry Demelza.'_ Ross whispered and kept caressing her back. She kept weeping quietly.

In a terrible attempt to comfort her, the words escaped his mouth:

' _I'm sorry about what I said that day I left, I didn't mean it. I was angry and jealous… mostly jealous. I understand why you… why you left. I'm sorry Demelza.'_

She shifted her body and met his glance. Her eyes were red and her face was wet.

' _Oh Ross!'_ – She cried and collapsed in his arms.

He held her for who knows how much time. He held her while she cried for the loss of another man.

Ross wasn't surprised when Lord Falmouth suggested that he take his family back to his own house, now that he was back in the district. After all, that's what Hugh had told him was going to happen.

It helped his cause that Demelza was reluctant to stay for the funeral. After the first impression, she had calmed down and spent her time with Lady Boscawen and the children. She didn't complain when he said he would take Jeremy and Clowance back to Nampara. Neither did she contradict him when he told her that she should go back with them. He didn't like to force her hand by saying he would take the children first, even when it was his right, He would never separate the children from their mother. But even so, Ross expected more resistance from her.

He found her resilience when they left. She was wearing black.

The most shocked person to see them back in Nampara was Jane Gimlet. Her master had been away for months. He had returned a few days ago. He had barely been in the house. He had visitors, two ladies and a gentleman. He had disappeared two nights ago and now he was back with the pretty lady that was here the other day and three children.

Captain Poldark had ignored her look of surprise and said to her and her husband: _'This is Mistress Demelza Poldark, my wife, and these are our children, Jeremy, Clowance and Bella.'_ The little boy was running up the stairs before his father ended up speaking, with a dog behind him.

' _Come Clowance! Come! Let's find my horses and play!'_

* * *

Jane had lived alone with his husband in the house for several months. She was worried about suddenly have a brooding master and a mistress to obey. But she found her worries were unfounded. Mistress Demelza was kind. She had seemed a sweet lady when they met. She had gone to the kitchen first. Jane thought it was to give orders but she put on an apron, warmed water, asked for flour and started to make bread.

' _We must have surprised you, arriving so unexpectedly Jane,'_ – she said while kneading the dough – _'don't be worried about tonight's dinner, whatever you have it will be well. I'll help you with breakfast tomorrow and after we can see what's needed from town.'_

Jane nodded, curtsied and said _'Yes mistress'_ and her mistress smiled at her and went back to her dough. She looked at her properly. She was very young, at least ten years younger than Captain Poldark. She was very slim, the trace of a recent pregnancy almost unnoticeable. But she looked sad. She must have lost a close relative recently because she was wearing a mourning gown. A loved one perhaps. Maybe that's where she had been all this time.


	9. Chapter 9

It was strange to be back in Nampara; strange and oddly familiar.

The journey had been odd too. Ross had barely spoken to her on the carriage. Again, she had packed quickly and only took the same clothes she brought many months ago, except for the mourning gowns that Lady Boscawen had commissioned for her. She had traveled with Bella in her lap. Jeremy, oblivious to what was happening, was most excited to finally go back home. She noted that Clowance had developed a strong attachment to her papa and called his attention and talked to him throughout the trip. Ross was patient with her and responded in kind. Now and then she saw him glance at her, but he said nothing.

The night they arrived, they argued about where each of them would sleep. She intended to do it in Jeremy´s old room. But Ross said no, she should sleep in the master bedroom. She objected but he said that there wasn't enough space for Bella's cot there. It was late that night, but he would assemble it the next day.

Demelza and Bella overslept the next morning. The child had been restless during the night and so had she. She supposed to be tired from the events of the last days; tired and sorrowful. Her best friend was gone. She felt sorry for him, sorry for the waste of youth, sorry for the waste of love he had in him. She felt sorry for her as well, for her loneliness. Because now she was not worthy of that pity. She had come back but she did not feel she was the mistress of the house anymore. How could she? And Ross, Ross would be the same. His sense of duty had brought them home. It was the place where his children should be. And he would say it was the place his wife should be. But if he was estranged from her before, why would things be better between them now?

When she came down the kids were already playing in front of the fireplace. Garrick was sitting comfortably on the armchair.

' _Good mornin' t' 'ee mistress.'_ – said Jane – _'Capt'n Poldark said not t' disturb 'ee, he went t' Sawle. I'll fetch 'ee breakfast.'_

She ate while Jane held Bella. Afterwards, she went outside and across the yard to the storage shed to find the cradle for the parlour and the cot for the bedroom. When Jane went to look for her, Demelza was struggling to release a footboard from under a pile of wood.

' _Capt'n Poldark is callin' 'ee mistress. Oh 'ee should see wha' he's brought!'_ – She exclaimed excitedly.

Demelza found them in the parlour, Clowance holding a new cloth doll, Ross with Bella in one arm and with the other giving instructions to Jeremy who was finishing setting a blanket inside a very refined bassinet.

' _Look mama! For Bella…'_

' _I see my dear.'_ She said to Jeremy.

' _There's one for your bedroom too.'_ The boy added and motioned his hands for Ross to put Bella inside. She looked at him with the question in her eyes.

' _I figured,'_ – Ross said quickly gazing at her – _'that she must be used to the great luxuries of society._ _The cot will arrive in a couple of days.'_

* * *

There was no way that Clowance went to bed if her father didn't read her a story first. Demelza couldn't understand how she'd become so attached to him after so much time without seeing him and only a week since they had come back. And Bella wasn't much different, except that she couldn't literally ask for him. When she was unsettled Ross would pick her up and rocked her for a few minutes and she calmed down immediately.

Ross didn't speak much to her, he was outside most of the day and when he did it was mostly about the children. They were sitting by the fire one night, him with Bella on his lap gently tapping his leg on the floor to make her sleep.

' _Did you find the mine prospering?'_ – she said and seem to startle him, he was fallen sleep himself or was surprised that she started a conversation. – _'They had an issue with the coal suppliers in February.'_

' _Oh? Zacky didn't say. How do you know?'_

' _They told me back then. And I had to write a very strong letter to the provider in Wales. I think it did its work, there was no problem after that.'_

' _Nobody told me.'_

' _There was no need to trouble you for it.'_ She added absently.

"It seems that I didn't need to be troubled for anything"- he thought.

' _I will go to Sawle Church tomorrow to make the arrangements.'_ \- he said after a moment of silence.

He'd been wanted to tell her for a few days now but couldn't find the right moment to tell her…

' _Arrangements for what?'_

' _The christening.'_

' _Oh.'_ It was all she said shifting uncomfortably in her seat.

' _What's the matter?'_ Ross asked coldly.

Demelza raised her eyes to him _. 'I don't want her to be baptized in Sawle Church.'_ She murmured.

' _Why not? Did you and Hugh have other plans for it?'_ He bit back.

She didn't reply with anger but with resignation: _''Tis where I saw you kissing Elizabeth.'_

He was suddenly still.

' _That was not what you imagined it was.'_ \- he told her, his body leaning in her direction.

' _I really don't care what it was Ross. And I didn't imagine anything, I know what I saw…'_

' _Yes but…'_

' _Just not that church Ross, please.'_

He nodded in agreement.

* * *

Demelza had written to Lady Boscawen to ask her to be Bella's godmother. Drake was the godfather. Isabella Poldark was baptized in the Church of Saint Winwaloe in front of a small congregation. Her parents and godparents, her brother and sister, her uncle Dwight and aunt Caroline and her uncle Sam. The last one said only had come to make sure of the salvation of an innocent soul.

For the first time in a month Demelza didn't wear one of her mourning dresses. In their way to church there wasn't people joining them like there had been when Julia, Jeremy and Clowance were christened. Only a few people waved at them, the Martins and the Daniels, and Demelza could hear the whispers for the first time. The talk behind her back; the eyes judging her. And judging Ross.

There was no reception after the religious ceremony was over. Only Hugh's mother made the road back to Nampara and stayed for tea with Demelza. Ross excused himself and went to Wheal Grace with Jeremy.

When they got back hours later he found her with a glass of port in her hand, sitting in front of the hearth looking at the fire.

' _Are the girls sleeping?'_ He asked, carrying a too sleeping Jeremy.

Demelza nodded and he went upstairs to put the boy to bed. The house was almost in darkness, only a candle twinkled over the parlour table. Ross returned to where she was and poured a glass of port for himself. He turned his body and raised the decanter signaling to Demelza if she wanted another. But she wasn't looking at him, in fact, she hadn't move at all since he came home.

He sat in front of her and watched her look at the flames for a very long time. She had surprised him today wearing one of her old green dresses. He felt it appropriate not to remember a dead man in a day that celebrated a life. He was glad she seemed to think that way too and hoped she wouldn't wear black again. It didn't suit her.

' _Do you miss him?'_ He said presently.

Demelza lifted her sight from the fire like she hadn't even noticed he was there. She took a sip from her drink, her throat was dry. She had been crying.

' _Yes.'_ Her voice was hoarse. _'He was my friend and I miss him very much.'_

Her attention went back to the hearth. Ross swallowed.

' _Just your friend?... It seemed to be much more than a friendship for him…'_

Demelza's lips curved in a shy smile.

' _He wanted to marry you.'_

' _I can't see how that would have been possible…'_

' _There are ways. Did you… Would you have wanted to marry him?'_

She considered the question for a while, it had never crossed her mind until he said it that night, but she hadn't given it a second thought.

' _I don't know, I wanted for him to be happy…'_

' _So you would have… Did you love him?'_ he asked before she could refute his statement.

' _Yes. Like I said, he was my friend. My best friend. And I liked how he made me feel…'_

' _How he made you feel?'_

' _Special. Cherished. Loved.'_

Ross felt every word of hers like a stab to his heart.

' _Didn't I make you feel that way?'_

' _No.'_ – she said hesitant – _'Not lately at least. He was… he was like no one I ever met before. Kind, and sweet and gentle. And I don't know why, but he loved me. He was so generous, he was my only company when I was lonely, broken…'_

' _And before? If I recall correctly, your dalliance with him begun before I went to London…'_

' _Dalliance?'_

' _Affair.'_ He clarified but Demelza wasn't asking for the meaning.

' _I didn't have a dalliance with him…'_

' _You told me you slept with him. He told me also.'_

She sighed with exasperation. Let it all end, if that is what he was looking for…

' _Yes. I did. If that is what it takes to have a dalliance, then yes. I did it because I felt sorry for him and I felt sorry for myself. Because I felt unwanted and he wanted me in that moment…'_

' _You were never unwanted Demelza… we slept together until the last…'_

' _Judas Ross! That is not the only way I wished to be wanted by you. Yes, we were never lacking in the bedroom but what about the rest of our lives? What about your "dalliance" with Elizabeth?'_

Demelza had stood up and now Ross was looking up at her.

' _Demelza…'_ he spoke slowly. _'You must stop making her the excuse for what you did. Nothing happened that day. We met by chance visiting Aunt Agatha's grave. We talked. Yes, we talked for the first time in years. She's married to George and wishes to remain so. As we were saying goodbye I kissed her. And that's all. There was nothing more.'_

' _And what was she doing here the other day?'_ – she insisted, still unconvinced.

Ross sighed. _'That was a mistake. I had just found out that you had have a child and I thought it was of someone else's. She asked to see me and I said yes. I wasn't thinking...'_

' _You never seem to think when it comes to her.'_

' _And you? Were you thinking when you hid from me that I was going to be a father again? Or didn't you have time to think in all these months while you were playing at being someone else's wife?'_

He went quiet when Jane entered the room. She came to light another candle on the table, the one that was there had gone out without them noticing and they were talking only illuminated by the fire of the hearth. Demelza went to stand near the fireplace, she leaned one hand on it to support herself. When Jane was gone, Ross came up behind her. He was calmer but she was not.

' _Did you not think that what you did would break my heart?'_ – He whispered near her ear.

Demelza could not speak. Her throat had dried again. He was right, of course he was. She should never have gone with Hugh. She should have never agreed to let him pretend to be the father of Bella. She had betrayed the man she swore to love all her life. She could not stay here anymore.

' _All this time while you held his hand, while he caressed the belly carrying my child, while you kissed him… didn't you think of me at all?...'_

Demelza began sobbing, but he continued nonetheless.

' _Do you hate me so much that you left me alone to imagine you sharing your bed with a young soldier that you barely knew?'_

' _I don't hate you Ross… I thought you didn't care.'_ \- she managed to say at last – _'I did not leave, you did. You left us and did not look back. I was the one alone and what did I have to lose? If you casted me away and did not want me anymore. I thought I could make him happy. I had nothing… but nothing was enough for him. Oh Ross…'_ she said in a desperate sigh – _'Is all lost now?…'_

' _What is lost?'_

' _Us. Our marriage, our family…'_

' _Why? Do you not love me anymore?'_ he asked but Demelza didn't hear him. – _'I'll leave. I will not be a burden to you anymore…'_

' _Why do you always say that? Why are you always threatening me with running away? Have I been so bad of a husband that you can't wait to leave me at every chance you have?...' -_ Ross waited until she stopped crying to talk again.

' _I… I shouldn't have gone to London without seeing you. When I returned from Bodmin I thought I'd find you here… It was stupid of me to think that you would stay after the way I treated you. I apologize again for that. But what could I do if I find my wife had gone with another man? Kill him? I thought about it. Many, many times...'_

' _Ross…'_

' _But that was not a solution, wasn't it?. He said to me that it was not him who took you but I was the one who lost you. I see what he meant. I should have fought for you… As for what you said, you were never a burden to me Demelza… I love you.'_

She looked at him like he was mad.

' _Do you still?'_

' _Yes'_ \- he said unquestionably.

' _Even after all I did?'_

Ross looked vaguely over her shoulder and shrugged. _'Yes.'_ he said again nodding.

' _You can't Ross.'_ She said with sorrow in her voice – _'You can't. Its going to be better if I leave, people are already talking, they know what I did…'_

Ross tried to put his hands on her waist and went closer to her but she stepped back and pushed his arms away from her body. _'What did I just say…?'_

' _I'm tainted Ross. It would be best for you if I leave. You're a Member of Parliament now… and people know where I've been all this time. They'll gossip behind your back. They're doing it already. You can't allow that…'_

Ross smiled and raised his hands to her once more, she tried to escape from him again but his grasp was more intended now. _'Demelza'_ – he said – _'Do you think I care what people will say? Did I ever?'_

' _But 'tis different now, you're an MP not just a country squire anymore and you have a reputation…'_ she protested.

' _Damn my reputation and gossip as well. Is not the first time we will be the talk of the town my dear.'_

Demelza eye him warily, it had been years since then, since the village talk of them and since he called her with an endearment. He gave a step closer to her, her hands were now resting lightly on his elbows, his hands on her narrow waist, the fingers pressing her lower back.

' _Besides, I'm sure nothing they can say of me now will be worst of what they said of me when I brought you home…'_

' _What did they say?'_ she asked curiously, the tears still not dry on her face.

Ross smiled slightly, letting the suspense work on his wife's mood _. 'They called me a child abductor.'_ – He said finally.

' _Judas!'_ Demelza exclaimed. Ross took advantage of her distraction to surround his arms against her body even tighter, her arms resting on his shoulders now. They looked at each other for a while. Demelza thinking of everything he told her, Ross waiting for her to make up her mind.

' _Why didn't you send me back then? When I was more trouble than I was worth…'_

' _I couldn't. How could I send you back to your abusive father? You were an innocent child…'_

' _But it was not your place… you had no obligation…'_

' _I did. I have an obligation towards you since the moment I met you. I could not explain it then, I don't think I can even now, after all these years. You were nothing but a young brat who had nothing but the knocks life had given you. You were alone and I was lonely and knocked by fate myself. I guess… I suppose I saw myself in you in a way. And beating your father was actually me_ _fighting against the direction life was taking me. It didn't seem that way at that time of course, but now thinking about it, is like… by saving you I was trying to save myself…'_

' _I could have lived happily serving you my whole life.'_ Demelza said distracted, remembering what that urchin girl she once was used to think.

' _Then why did you give yourself to me?'_ He sounded bitter. – _'If you wanted just serve me? No, you wanted more…'_

' _I just wanted for you not to be miserable. I would have done anything…'_

' _And anything you did. But you're lying Demelza, that's not all you wanted. You wanted me as well.'_

Demelza dropped her hands from him and tried to move back but he moved with her too not letting her go.

' _And well? Didn't you? Did you not already love me back then? Did you not want for me to love you too?_

' _Yes. But it was not my place…'_

' _And now? Is it not your place now Demelza? We've been married for more than ten years. You are my wife, the mother of my four children… We've been through so much together. Life has punched us hard but we were never defeated. Are we now? Do you not want my love anymore?'_

' _Five.'_ She said. This time she managed to step away from him in his bewilderment. _'You have five children… and I'm not the mother of all of them.'_

All the colors ran out from Ross' face. He had never spoken with Demelza about it, he had never wanted to. It would destroy her to talk about it… it would destroy him.

She was waiting for him to say something but words failed him. It would be the final blow to her, to open that old wound and she would leave him for good. He had never realized that the wound had never closed.

He saw the moisture starting to cloud her green eyes again, that expression she made right before starting to cry.

' _He's not…'_ Ross begun but he stopped and rephrased. _'Valentine will grow up as George's son. That's what she wants and I agree with her decision. Demelza…'_

' _Yes Ross?'_

' _I don't want another family than the one that I have with you… Do you not want that anymore?'_ Tears were clouding his vision now.

Demelza breathed heavily, one, two, three times.

' _It was not my place to want nothing more when we married, but you are right. I wanted you, I wanted to love you and I wanted to be loved by you Ross. And I know you did. I really know you did love me. But I also knew that I wasn't the only one who had that privilege…'_

' _Demel…'_

' _But it was alright. For years it was enough, more than enough. And I… I don't know when, but at some point I became selfish and jealous and… and needy. And I wanted something that you are not able to give because is beyond yourself…'_

' _What was it?'_

' _You. All of you. I didn't want to share your heart with Elizabeth anymore. You said, I'm your wife, I gave you children, heirs. I take care of the house, the farm, the mine. I take care of you. I urged you to be a good man… Why do I have to share your love with someone who only gives you sorrow?... Why I'm not enough for you?'_

Demelza began crying again. Heavy drops slipping from her eyes to her cheeks wetting the hands she used to cover her face. Ross' own hands went to her face too, pushing aside hers and drying the tears with his thumbs. Before he could realize what he was doing his lips touched her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks.

His lips were wet, from her tears or his he didn't know. All he knew was that she was wrong.

' _You are enough. You are more than enough.' –_ he said between hurried kisses. _'You have it all,_ _Demelza. There's no one but you.'_

Demelza was not looking at him, so he lifted her chin to make sure she hear what he was about to say.

' _Listen to me Demelza. My life is meaningless without you in it. It has been that way since the moment I met you and is true that I failed to see that sometimes. And failed to prove it to you many other times. I know I can be harsh and reckless. And words of affection don't come easily to me but that doesn't mean the lack of it. Is just that I never thought of… I never imagined that I could lose my place in your heart. When I say 'you are my wife' is not for the mere reminder of the oath you took that day so many years ago. I say it because it is what I want you to be, you. No one else. You Demelza. My wife, my best friend. My business partner, the mother of my children, my confidant. The pig-headed woman who is never tired, the one who pushes me and forces me to be better, the one who annoys me with her honesty. My lover, Demelza… my bed has been cold without you. I miss you, I miss 'my wife', the one who gives and never ask anything for herself… Do you think that I can love anyone else the way I love you? You're wrong. But I know that is not all you want and you have every right to ask for it. I just wish I could have realized of that sooner…'_

' _Oh Ross…'_ Was all Demelza managed to say.

' _If you let me, I'll be a better husband. I won't make you doubt of my feelings again because there's no doubt in me about who truly owns my heart… Is it too late? Am not the first in your heart anymore?'_

' _Ross no!'_ She gasped and crushed her mouth in his. She kissed him frantically. Her fingers in his hair, her feet without touching the floor because Ross had lifted her, one arm around her waist the other hand holding her head to him.

' _I'm sorry. I'm sorry'_ – she said every time she broke for air while he kept kissing her face.

After all that went between them, all the lies and mistakes from both parties. After all of the hurt. She still loved him like the first day they met, like the day they were married, like the day their first child was born. And she believed him. She believed that he loved her and his promise to show it to her.

' _I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?'_

' _Shhh… my love. I can. Let the past be gone my dear. Tomorrow is yet to come. All that matters is the present, and right now we're are together. Our children are sleeping upstairs, the sun will rise in the morning and we're together. I love you Demelza, that's all that matters…'_

She kissed him again, moved by his words. She too wished they had come sooner but did not care. They would heal their wounds together. They could face whatever life sends if they were together.

' _I love you too Ross.'_ – she whispered in his ear while his lips traveled from neck to her shoulder.

Her feet were on the ground again. Their kisses were urgent. Their tongues caressed the never forgotten taste of each other. His hands easily remembered how to touch her, her back, her shoulders, her arms. His lips traveled every inch of exposed skin. His fingers were on their way to her breasts when she froze. _'Ross.'_ She said slowly. _'Ross.'_ But Ross only moaned in response.

' _Ross!'_ – she said again pinching his shoulder to catch his attention.

Ross suddenly pulled back from his embrace.

' _What is it? Do you not want me?'_ Desperation in his voice.

She caressed his scared face.

' _I do want you, dearest Ross. But… remember Bella?'_ she said coyly smiling and raising an eyebrow to him.

' _Oh!'_ he remembered _'Of course. That's alright my love. We'll wait.'_ He kissed her sweetly this time.

He didn't have to wait for long.


	10. Epilogue

It was opening night in the West End. Demelza didn't know why she was so nervous. She was not the one going to perform in front of a thousand people. Ross stared at her a couple of times. Why was he not nervous as well?

They had traveled from Cornwall a few weeks ago. They'd stayed with Clowance a fortnight and then continued their journey to London with her and her husband Edward to celebrate Bella's 25th birthday with her.

At her young age, she was a talented and famous singer and actress. She had performed several times in the country's capital and headed a couple of plays in Paris, all with great success. Tonight it would be special though. It was not only a simple play. It was the first play in a new theater. The theater was the property of Bella Poldark.

 _'Are you ready my love?'_ Ross asked. - _'We should get going…'_

 _'We still have time Ross. It's not like our seats are going to be taken.'_ She jested.

Ross sat, a newspaper in his hands, while Demelza finished getting ready. He still eyed her from time to time.

 _'Can you believe how much she's grown?'_ Demelza asked distracted while platting her coppery hair. _'I still see her like a little girl singing tunes barefooted all over the house…'_

Ross smiled behind the paper.

 _'And to think that now she owns her own theater. She can host whatever play she wants there and she can give people work, and help others… I'm that proud of her Ross.'_

 _'Me too, and relieved. That she won't be so light-headed with her suitors anymore. At least not like Clowance…'_

 _'Ross!'_

 _'I'm joking. Although not even you can say that you liked that Carrington fellow.'_

Demelza made a face at him and he laughed. But she agreed with him internally.

 _'I'm ready.'_ She said after a little while.

Ross left the newspaper on the little table beside him and rose to put his coat. Demelza was adjusting her cloak when he stood next to her, took her hand and kissed it.

 _'You look lovely my dear.'_

Demelza blushed. She always did when he complimented her, no matter how commonly it happened between them.

Ross and Demelza arrived just ten minutes before the show started. Clowance and Edward were already there. Henry and a few school friends were seated in the first rows. He waved to them when he saw his parents on the balcony. Caroline and Dwight sat next to them.

Bella surprised them all. She hadn't told anyone in her family what her play was about.

It was the story of an urchin girl who is rescued along with her dog from an abusive father by a handsome miner who had just come back from the war.

Bella played the role of the urchin then transformed to kitchen maid then to lady of the house. It was an immediate hit and the public loved her. They laughed every time she say 'Judas!'. Cried when they lost their first born and clapped when she sang the familiar Cornish songs.

Demelza was red from hair to toes. She felt like everyone was watching her. Although no one did except for her husband. He had entwined his hand with hers at the beginning and didn't let go until the very end. He kissed the back of her hand in the wedding scene and tightened it when the couple on stage mourned the loss of their child.

After a dinner with a few guests at Bella's they returned to their lodgings in silence.

 _'Judas!'_ Was the first thing Demelza said when they were alone in the bedroom. Ross let out a laugh.

 _'I thought I was going to burn with embarrassment.'_

 _'Thank God she changed our names.'_ Said Ross – _'Did you not like it?'_

 _'Oh… I don't know.'_

 _'Everyone else seemed to enjoy it. They were saying it's going to become a classic.'_

He was already halfway naked and was removing his boots.

 _'Well, the story is not about everyone else. It's strange to see one's life through the eyes of others… Thank goodness we didn't tell them all the details of our lives…'_

 _'Yes. There were some key characters missing...'_ He said already from under the blankets. _'I guess it's your fault.'_

 _'My fault!? What's my fault?'_ She finished removing the pins from her hair and went to sit on her side of the bed and started to work on her corset.

 _'That she is so talented and so… artistic.'_

It was not the first time Ross said so. Every time Bella's passion was the subject, he always said that she'd got that from Demelza.

 _'Oh. I don't think that's entirely accurate.'_

 _'How so?'_

Demelza shifted her body to glance at him and stood to remove her skirt and upper bodice. She got into bed with only her undergarments.

 _'Hugh used to sing and play music to her when she was a babe.'_ She said adjusting her pillow.

 _'Oh.'_ – was all he said for a while. Demelza looked at him but added nothing. She gave up with the pillow and went to put her head in her husband shoulder. Ross stretched his arm to welcome her in an embrace.

 _'Do you think of him?'_ He asked after a few minutes.

Demelza spread her body lazily against his. Then she propped her chin on his chest to look at him. He was serious. She smiled. First, it was a coy smile then it grew and turned into a laugh. Ross couldn't help but smile back at her. She kissed him then.

 _'I haven't thought of him in years.'_ She said to him after. _'But tonight, I remembered him. He would be so proud of Bella…'_

 _'Maybe you should tell her about him. She could write another play with him in it… Aw!'_

Demelza pinched him on the side of his chest and quieted his complaint with her lips. He wrapped his arms tighter around her.

 _'He seems like a dream, a dream from long ago… like he hadn't been real at all…'_

 _'It was more like a nightmare to me… and he was very real for us. God. Those months, it was the worst time of my life… to think he had you… '_

She kissed his face while he was talking. _'Ross?'_ – she whispered from under his chin.

 _'mmmhh?'_

 _'Why are we talking about Hugh? Do you still doubt me?'_ She was the serious now.

'No my love.'

 _'Then, if 'tis not too much trouble for 'ee sur,'_ she said with the accent that Bella used at the beginning of the play, her old accent – _'could 'ee please sur stop talkin' an' kiss I?'_

Ross laughed and shook his head. He turned his body carrying Demelza with him so she ended up laying underneath him, her legs around his thighs.

 _'You know, I almost stood up and shouted to the poor man to warn him when he took the young brat to his house…'_ He said and complied with his wife wishes.


End file.
